Well, I went down to Mos Eisley for a converter
Hell, ya know how hot it gets on Tatooine
Well then I saw that there cantina
I'll go in for an Orangina
I heard it was rough but how bad could it be?

Well I walked through the door and the music stopped--dead
All manner of man and beasts were starin' at me
Seems just one week before their Twi'lek slave girl walked out the door
And I guess I was the next best thing they'd seen

I lost more than my heart in that cantina
I left my manhood there on Tatooine
Son, it don't mean you're weak if you turn the other cheek
But if you spread 'em both for Jabba, son, you ain't a man!

I was hit over the head by ol' Han Solo
I'da never guessed that pirate was a homo
I woke up next to Chewbacca
I was smeared in Wookie caca
And what they did to my poor nipples was a no-no!

Ol' Greedo greedily grabbed his green weenie
And he yanked that sucker til it wasn't so teenie
He pulled me into Jabba's hut
He stared intently at my butt
And then he oota-toota'ed me with his zucchini

I lost more than my heart in that cantina
I left my manhood there on Tatooine
Son, it don't mean you're weak if you turn the other cheek
But if you spread 'em both for Jabba, son, you ain't a man!

Well, a guy walked up and said "My friend doesn't like you."
I said 'Sorry.'
He said 'I don't like you either, you better watch your self!' - I think his name was Tom Waits
And then some old dude who taught Vader
Chopped his arm off with a sabre
That later made for one red hot anal invader - owwwww

I was broken on the floor beat to a stupor
Then I was saved! There at the door were 10 storm troopers!
But then my hope faded away,
I didn't know they cloned 'em gay
And they each took turns storm troopin' me in the pooper

I lost more than my heart in that cantina
I left my manhood there on Tatooine
Son, it don't mean you're weak if you turn the other cheek
Which is why I still go there every week!